When most people hear the dreaded words, 'it's not you, it's me', or, 'we need to talk', their stomach drops through the floor and dark thoughts about their inevitable future as an eccentric old woman with hundreds of cats instantly flash through their mind. But, although nobody's saying that it's much fun to be dumped – and yes, we're all allowed a period of watching Bridget Jones on repeat while eating our own body weight in ice cream – there's no law that says your whole life has to fall apart at the seams, according to Alexandra Heminsley, author of Ex And The City:
You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Dumps You. In fact, Heminsley admits that she's been dumped in a restaurant, in a stairwell and in a graveyard, to name but a few choice locations, but still maintains that being given the push shouldn't be a source of shame but a badge of honour – because unless you're ready to risk it all, you'll never find love. "A break‑up is rarely one person's fault more than the other," she says. "And even if it was, can you seriously name a dumpee who has emerged anything other than happier than she was beforehand? Of course not. The unique nature of any dumpee's agony means that you will almost always resurface wiser and have more fun."
Battle tactics for the first 24 hours: "It's war – not you versus him, but you versus your hurt," advises Heminsley. "So, approach that first day like war, and you may find yourself stronger than you ever imagined you could be."
Camouflage: "Maybe you can't be bothered to put on a full face of make‑up, but you absolutely cannot give in completely," Heminsley says.
A safe place: In the battle for survival it is of paramount importance to get home and create a safe area for retreat – so turn your bedroom into a sanctuary. "Wash your sheets. This is essential, because human smell is extremely evocative – if he's been in your bed recently, you'll be able to tell," Heminsley warns.
Lines of communication: Very simply, DO. NOT. CALL. HIM. "The harsh truth is that in most cases, you're not going to get back together, and this is a good thing, so you need to just summon all of your energy and confidence and hug it towards you instead of him, because you need it and you deserve it," Heminsley says. In fact, delete his numbers and email address to avoid post‑dumping phone calls, texts or emails.
Hormones and rebounds: It's all very well telling yourself that having "modern and liberated non‑committal sex" will make you feel loads better after being dumped but, as Heminsley rightly points out, there's a slight glitch in the design of female hormones, which makes it almost inevitable that we become kind of clingy in the end. And being needy is obviously the kiss of death for any rebound flings or post‑dumped break‑up sex.
“Oxytoxin is the Wizard of Oz of our bodies – it is responsible for dispensing the good stuff, the emotions and reactions that most of us enjoy experiencing most," explains Heminsley. "But like the good wizard himself, it also has elements that are a little bit unreliable." Indeed, when both men and women have sex, a certain type of oxytoxin is released along with dopamine and endorphins, which makes sex with "that particular person" rewarding. But here's the, erm, rub. "It's absolutely, and quite literally, maddening, because in your body, oestrogen, the female hormone, prolongs and intensifies the effects of oxytoxin and the way it bonds with other hormones. "Meanwhile, only inches away, testosterone, the male hormone, decreases these effects significantly in your man, meaning that a woman will tend to feel more bonded to a man after sex than a man will to her." Of course, this is not to say that men don't or can't feel bonded to women, but it definitely doesn't become such an addictive urge at such a precarious time for them. Girls, you have been warned!
Dumping with decency:
It's very likely that there will be times when you find yourself on the other end of the messy business of dumping, so Heminsley recommends the following tips to ensure that you treat your soon‑to‑be ex as you'd like to be treated yourself.
DON'T AVOID IT FOR TOO LONG
"Give it a couple of weeks to be sure of your decision, but anything over a month is too long and you enter the risky territory of Potentially Blurting It Out At Any Minute."
DON'T LIE OR PATRONISE THEM
"What you say as your excuse will be spun in your dumpee's mind over many days and nights to come ‑ there can be no defending planting the seed of anxiety that needn't be there at all," Heminsley warns. For example, don't say he's too clingy if you've simply got your eye on someone else. Likewise, don't try to be too nice ‑ dumping someone is never a pleasant business so don't expect a pat on the back and a lollipop for good behaviour.
DO IT IN PERSON
Texts, emails, letters, cakes with messages iced on to them, personalised blimps and Post‑its are not allowed!
DON'T SAY IT WAS DOWN TO BAD SEX
"Just because his skills no longer get you frisky it doesn't mean they won't work for his next lady, so don't let him think his way is the wrong way ‑ unless of course he indulged in anything illegal, unhygienic or accompanied by the sounds of Kenny G ‑ in which case, consider it your civic duty," Heminsley laughs.
THE LAST WORD
"It turns out that you do need to know what pain feels like in order to feel happy at other times," says Heminsley. "After all, if you don't feel any anguish at the inexplicable refusal of a hot guy to give you that fifth date, then how are you expected to feel the inexplicable delirium next time, when you realise that someone fabulous has fallen in love with you?
"You can't stop yourself from getting dumped ‑ all you can do is stop yourself from living your life in the shadow of the fear of getting dumped."
You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Dumps You. In fact, Heminsley admits that she's been dumped in a restaurant, in a stairwell and in a graveyard, to name but a few choice locations, but still maintains that being given the push shouldn't be a source of shame but a badge of honour – because unless you're ready to risk it all, you'll never find love. "A break‑up is rarely one person's fault more than the other," she says. "And even if it was, can you seriously name a dumpee who has emerged anything other than happier than she was beforehand? Of course not. The unique nature of any dumpee's agony means that you will almost always resurface wiser and have more fun."
Battle tactics for the first 24 hours: "It's war – not you versus him, but you versus your hurt," advises Heminsley. "So, approach that first day like war, and you may find yourself stronger than you ever imagined you could be."
Camouflage: "Maybe you can't be bothered to put on a full face of make‑up, but you absolutely cannot give in completely," Heminsley says.
A safe place: In the battle for survival it is of paramount importance to get home and create a safe area for retreat – so turn your bedroom into a sanctuary. "Wash your sheets. This is essential, because human smell is extremely evocative – if he's been in your bed recently, you'll be able to tell," Heminsley warns.
Lines of communication: Very simply, DO. NOT. CALL. HIM. "The harsh truth is that in most cases, you're not going to get back together, and this is a good thing, so you need to just summon all of your energy and confidence and hug it towards you instead of him, because you need it and you deserve it," Heminsley says. In fact, delete his numbers and email address to avoid post‑dumping phone calls, texts or emails.
Hormones and rebounds: It's all very well telling yourself that having "modern and liberated non‑committal sex" will make you feel loads better after being dumped but, as Heminsley rightly points out, there's a slight glitch in the design of female hormones, which makes it almost inevitable that we become kind of clingy in the end. And being needy is obviously the kiss of death for any rebound flings or post‑dumped break‑up sex.
“Oxytoxin is the Wizard of Oz of our bodies – it is responsible for dispensing the good stuff, the emotions and reactions that most of us enjoy experiencing most," explains Heminsley. "But like the good wizard himself, it also has elements that are a little bit unreliable." Indeed, when both men and women have sex, a certain type of oxytoxin is released along with dopamine and endorphins, which makes sex with "that particular person" rewarding. But here's the, erm, rub. "It's absolutely, and quite literally, maddening, because in your body, oestrogen, the female hormone, prolongs and intensifies the effects of oxytoxin and the way it bonds with other hormones. "Meanwhile, only inches away, testosterone, the male hormone, decreases these effects significantly in your man, meaning that a woman will tend to feel more bonded to a man after sex than a man will to her." Of course, this is not to say that men don't or can't feel bonded to women, but it definitely doesn't become such an addictive urge at such a precarious time for them. Girls, you have been warned!
Dumping with decency:
It's very likely that there will be times when you find yourself on the other end of the messy business of dumping, so Heminsley recommends the following tips to ensure that you treat your soon‑to‑be ex as you'd like to be treated yourself.
DON'T AVOID IT FOR TOO LONG
"Give it a couple of weeks to be sure of your decision, but anything over a month is too long and you enter the risky territory of Potentially Blurting It Out At Any Minute."
DON'T LIE OR PATRONISE THEM
"What you say as your excuse will be spun in your dumpee's mind over many days and nights to come ‑ there can be no defending planting the seed of anxiety that needn't be there at all," Heminsley warns. For example, don't say he's too clingy if you've simply got your eye on someone else. Likewise, don't try to be too nice ‑ dumping someone is never a pleasant business so don't expect a pat on the back and a lollipop for good behaviour.
DO IT IN PERSON
Texts, emails, letters, cakes with messages iced on to them, personalised blimps and Post‑its are not allowed!
DON'T SAY IT WAS DOWN TO BAD SEX
"Just because his skills no longer get you frisky it doesn't mean they won't work for his next lady, so don't let him think his way is the wrong way ‑ unless of course he indulged in anything illegal, unhygienic or accompanied by the sounds of Kenny G ‑ in which case, consider it your civic duty," Heminsley laughs.
THE LAST WORD
"It turns out that you do need to know what pain feels like in order to feel happy at other times," says Heminsley. "After all, if you don't feel any anguish at the inexplicable refusal of a hot guy to give you that fifth date, then how are you expected to feel the inexplicable delirium next time, when you realise that someone fabulous has fallen in love with you?
"You can't stop yourself from getting dumped ‑ all you can do is stop yourself from living your life in the shadow of the fear of getting dumped."
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